


Blurred and Broken

by xXHolmesInHidingXx



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Everyone's emotional, Laffy is my baby and no one hurts him, M/M, Polyamory, including me, like seriously help, there will be cuteness i swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-07 07:07:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17361308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXHolmesInHidingXx/pseuds/xXHolmesInHidingXx
Summary: Attacked by memories and struggling to cope, Alexander clings to John and Lafayette for some much-needed comfort, while John remembers meeting, and falling for, Lafayette.





	1. Chapter 1

Don’t tell John about last night. AH

What’s that supposed to mean? JL

Oh… hey. AH

Hey yourself. What happened last night? JL

I… had a few drinks with Laf. AH

Alex! JL

It wasn’t as bad as you think, I swear. It was just a couple. AH

It’s never ‘just a couple’ with you, Alex. You can’t control it. JL

I can! AH

No, Lex, I know you can’t. Tell me the truth. Please. JL

Fine. When I saw the bottle, I… oh God, Star. I needed it. So bad. I don’t know how to stop and I’m so scared. AH

I know that. We’ll get you help, Lex, I swear. JL

But I can’t leave you. You’re my anchor, John. AH

We’ll start by actually going to the meetings, alright? No need to think about anything too drastic yet. JL

I’m sorry I lied about going to them. AH

I understand. And I forgive you. JL

C-can you come with me? AH

Huh? JL

To the meetings. Can you come with me? AH

Of course, my love. JL

I love you. AH

I love you too. Lex, can I ask you something? I need you to answer me honestly. JL

I… Okay. AH

Are you still drinking? JL

… AH

Lex. JL

Yes. AH

Where’s Laffy? JL

Sleeping. AH

I’m coming to get you. Put the drink down, Alexander, you don’t need it. JL

I do. I do need it. AH

You don’t, you have me. JL

But you’re not here. AH

I will be, really soon. I’m on my way. Do you want me to call you? 

Yes. AH

I dialled Alexander’s number with no hesitation, letting out a sigh of relief when my boyfriend picked up straight away. “Hey, babe.” I murmured.

“Hi Star.” Alex’s voice was shaking. My poor boy was in so deep. It would take a lot to bring him out of this, I realised. I quickly got in our car- the car that Alexander had given me for our anniversary- and put the phone on speaker so I could talk and drive at the same time. I was so freaked out. I hated it when my boyfriend crashed like this. 

“I’m on my way to you. Can you hear the car?”

“Y-yeah. I hear it.”

I took a deep breath, forcing back my own emotions before beginning to go through the grounding exercises that Eliza had taught us, back when Alex really was at his worst. “Okay. What else can you hear, baby boy? Tell me about all the sounds. How they make you feel.”

“I hear… you. Your voice makes me feel safe, and loved. I hear some music. It’s like fight music. It makes me wanna get up and punch something.”

I shuddered a little at that. “No punching.” I said firmly- last time Alexander had been in this state and wanted to punch something, he’d broken four bones in his hand.

“Okay, no punching. I can hear the wind, ‘cause the window’s open.”

“Okay. Alright. What can you feel?”

“I’m lay on the floor. It’s not comfortable, but oh well.” He giggled softly. I frowned.

“Sit up for me, Lex.” I heard a soft sound and more giggles from my boyfriend, which I took to mean that Alex had sat up. 

“I’m up.”

“Good… what can you see?”

“Nothing.”

“Why nothing?” There was a faint note of panic in my voice, it was obvious.

“I have my eyes closed.” Alexander informed me brightly, giggling like a small child. 

“Lex. Don’t, please. I don’t understand why you only get like this when I’m not there. When you’re at home, it’s really scary.”

“That’s when I’m not drinking. When the… problem… is really bad. I just get so angry.” No longer giggling and a note of seriousness in his voice, Alex almost brought tears to my eyes. It was the first time that he had actually acknowledged that it was a problem, after spending so long vehemently denying that it was as bad as it really clearly was. 

“All the more reason to actually go to the appointments that I’m making for you. Eventually, they’ll help you get better. That will mean that you won’t get angry so much. Then we’ll be better ‘cause Laffy and I won’t be scared of you.”

There was a period of silence, during which I could tell that my words were sinking in. Finally, Alex responded in a soft, plaintive voice: “You’re… scared of me?”

“When you’re in one of your moods, when the addiction really takes hold, yes. Alex, you tried to throw a chair at me once! I love you, Alexander. You’re my moon and stars… my entire universe, even… but I don’t know if I can handle this anymore.” I explained, tears filling my eyes. The heartbreak in my love’s voice when he realised what I was saying had truly hurt me like a knife through my chest. 

“I… I understand. You don’t have to come and get me, and I’ll find somewhere else to go.”

“Oh, Alex, that’s not what I… look. I’m not giving up on you. All I’m saying is that you gotta fight too, okay?”

“I will, Star. I promise.”

Silence fell again. I focused on the road so that I could get to Alex faster- my mind was in overdrive as it was. “Can you do something for me?” I blurted out suddenly.

“I- sure. What is it?” Alex asked. There was a slight sound, which made me wonder if he’d just stood up. 

“Go wake Laffy for me.” I requested, speaking gently so that he wouldn’t get scared.

“Why? Are you gonna get mad at him for letting me drink?”

“No, babe. I know how you get, there was no way he could have stopped you. We both know that. What we’re gonna do, Lex, is come up with a plan to protect you.”

“Okay.” He murmured finally. I could hear the sound of footsteps, of Alexander making his way into our love’s bedroom. “L-Laf? Laffy?” He stammered, tapping on the door lightly. I could hear the other man’s sleepy mumbling.

“Come to bed, mon cher Alexander.” The Frenchman insisted. “Please, mon amour, no more.”

“No more, Laffy. Jack wants to talk to you.” There was a soft groan.

“Can it not wait?”

“No. It’s… important.” Alex sighed, handing over the phone. “Can you hold me, Laf?”

“Of course, mon amour. I have missed you.” Our other boyfriend’s French accent was thicker than usual. He was really emotional- it made me want to cry. “John, what is it?” He asked. I frowned.

“I’m sorry to wake you, love, but we need to talk about Alex.” I explained. 

“We do. I feel so guilty, but he was so angry and I feared him leaving me if I did not give in.” Oh, that was why Laf was so upset. I blinked back the tears in my eyes, trying to pull myself together. 

“I understand. You don’t need to feel guilty, honey. I’ve done the same thing and hated myself for it so many times.” I reassured him kindly. “We need to come up with a plan to make sure it doesn’t happen anymore.”

“Oui, of course I will help. But how, mon amour? He refused to go to the meetings.”

“I agreed with Jacky earlier that I’ll go if you both come with me.” Alex interjected. I could hear the relief in Lafayette’s voice when he next spoke. 

“You would not have to go alone, we promise.” Laf reassured. I smiled a little at that.

“Oh. Laffy, there’s something Alex and I want to ask you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attacked by memories and struggling to cope, Alexander clings to John and Lafayette for some much-needed comfort, while John remembers meeting, and falling for, Lafayette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently I only put it as being one chapter rather than multiple cause I'm that clever. Also, I apologise for the initial lack of tags, but I did have to post it in a rush because I was just about to leave and there was no way I was prepared to leave without posting it after I'd spent so much time typing it out. But anyway, enjoy this chapter!

There was a period of silence. When Lafayette finally spoke, he sounded both confused and... I swore there was a hint of excitement in his voice. "Oui? Ask away, as they say." He let out a tentative little giggle, a sure sign that he was unsure of what the intricacies of the English language required him to say. His grasp of English made me smile- he was usually fluent, but that fell away almost completely in times of extreme emotion like this one. To both me and Alexander (when he wasn't an emotional wreck as he was then) that was completely adorable. 

"Laf, will you move in with us? I think it will be really good for Alex if he has us both by his side through his recovery." I blurted out. 

"Oh. Oui, mon amour! Of course I will move it. I love you both."

"Laffy." Alex mumbled, breaking up the moment. John could practically hear him trembling. 

"Non. Non, mon Alexander, you must listen to me. You do not need that either, I promise you." The excitement in the Frenchman's voice was replaced by total panic. 

"Laffy. Put me on speaker. Lemme speak to Lex, I gotta know what's going on."

"Oui. I have done it."

"Alexander, what are you doing honey? We agreed before that you don't need it. You don't. Listen to us." Even as I said the words, I had this awful feeling in my chest that my pleading was pointless and Alexander would just do it anyway. He had before, my mind reminded me. 

Alex whimpered and sobbed brokenly. "Jacky, you don't understand. I-it physically hurts. It feels like something's tearing me to pieces from the inside, a-and I really hate it. That's why I do this, to get rid of that feeling. To stop the pain." He insisted. Laf whined softly, clearly feeling Alexander's pain so strongly. He'd always been the most empathetic person that I knew. It really wasn't fair on him to have to try to keep our boyfriend stable on his own. I felt so guilty, but I was really close to the apartment and soon I'd be able to hold them both and swear to them that it would all be okay. I started to hum softly. The song was the one that had been playing when Alex and I first met and, later, when the two of us met Lafayette. I remembered thinking that the three of us were always meant to be, because there was no way that it was any kind of coincidence that the song that was playing when I met his first love would be the one that soundtracked us meeting our second. 

"Is that...?" Alex was the one who noticed first, which I was glad for- it distracted him from his other feelings. 

"Our song. Yeah. Listen, Lexi, I'm just a couple blocks away. You'll hold on for me 'til then, won't you?" There was another benefit to Lafayette living with us, I realised- he lived so far away from their own apartment. It made me so nervous when Alexander went over there on his own, because I was always so scared that something would happen and by the time I got there it would be too late. 

"Y-yeah. I will- well, I'll try." 

"I'm looking after him, mon amour. Alexander? Mon Alexander, let me talk to you." After that, Laf launched into a story told in rapid French that I made a mental note to ask for a translation of once Alex was feeling better. 

"Oh. Laffy..." Alex huffed suddenly, his tone making it clear that he was crying. Lafayette mumbled something else in French before falling silent. The only sound was Alexander's soft sobs. By that point I had finally reached the apartment and was just easing into the parking spot beside Laf's car. 

"I... loves, I'm here." I said softly. I didn't want to disrupt them- my boyfriends were clearly having a moment- but at the same time I knew that Alexander needed my help. To me that meant more than anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, updates for this (and anything else I'm currently trying to focus my attention on, basically this and the poly AU) will be on a Monday and a Wednesday. I may alternate, I may focus on one per week, or if you guys are lucky you may get two updates in one day :) Let me know what you think of this (its not too angsty is it? If it is let me know and I will tone it down, but I promise there will be more cuteness and you will find out what Laffy's lil French story was :)


	3. Sorry to be THIS person... (author's note)

Hi guys! Sorry to be that person, but I've been thinking lately and I've realised that maybe this fic would work better in first person? I generally write better in first person anyway, so I'm thinking writing in the future will be easier if I convert the story to that now rather than doing intensive editing after I've posted loads of it, if that makes sense? Again, sorry to do this x

Update: I have converted the previous two chapters and I'm cooking again on Monday so there wont be a post then, I may have to narrow it down to just Wednesdays! Sorry!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter features French from my lovely translator Gal_In_The_Public_Eye! Sorry for the lack of accents, but computers suck, yknow? Hope you enjoy it! (Warning: this chapter features lots and lots of angst!)

It took an hour and a half to stop Alexander's shaking and calm him down entirely. I sat on one side of my love, Lafayette on the other, both of us holding his hands as we tried to convince him that he didn't need to drink. "Je suis la, mon amour, ecoute s'il vous plait. Ne cedez pas de demons, Alexander." Laf murmured, leaning forward to press his forehead to Alex's.

 

"Je jure que j'essaye..."

 

"Je sais, et je suis fier de toi." Laf noticed that I looked confused, so he took out his phone and quickly sent me a translation.

 

**I'm here, my love, please listen. Don't give in to the demons. L**

**I swear I'm trying. L**

**I know, and I'm proud of you. L**

 

When I finally understood what was going on, my eyes filled with tears. "I know you're trying. I'm proud of you too." Alex gave a slight smile at my words, but it was tainted with sadness- he really was struggling. "Is it worse than last time?" I wondered.

 

"Y-yeah. It feels... like something's pulling me apart from the inside. Last time there was something that caused it- when Laffy went away- but this time there isn't and I just feel so weak..."

 

"Oh, Alexander. You are not weak. Laf murmured, sticking to English for my benefit.

 

"You're one of the strongest men I know. You too, Laffy. You're both so strong and I love you both so much." I insisted shakily. Alexander murmured something in French that I didn't quite hear. It caused Lafayette to gasp softly and burst into tears.

 

"Non! Alexander, you should never feel like that is the answer. We love you and it would break us if you went away. Please mon amour, don't do it." As Laffy's tears got worse, he resorted to just clutching Alexander's hand tight and sobbing. I frowned a little, deciding that maybe it would be a good idea to remove our distraught boyfriend from the situation for a little while until he'd calmed down.

 

"Lafayette? Sweetheart, can I talk to you a moment?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short, I've not been well lately and my attention has been elsewhere. Hope you like it anyway!


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